As you've probably figured out by now, I didn't have the most normal upbringing. Looking back, I realized that I missed a lot of the things that every kid does, simply because I had a mother who was still under the thumb of her own mother, and Grandma had very definite ideas about what chilldren were for. She was of the "children should be seen and not heard" era, and also felt that children needed constant chores. Now, I agree kids should have chores, but a seven-year-old girl should not be spending the better part of her summer doing her grandmother's work. My grandmother was the manager of a small apartment building, and my sisters and I were enslaved for hours and hours each week, vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning windows, taking out the garbage, raking the lawn, et cetera. And while I realize now that my grandmother needed some help, I felt like my childhood was spent in a slave labor camp. It's no wonder I was such a serious youth. (I've made up for that in adulthood.)
One of the stranger ideas of my grandmother (other than science fiction being the work of the devil) was that we were not allowed to listen to the music of the era. We made do with stuff from the fifties and before, which I like, but when you know there's something more out there, it's very difficult to be satisfied with what little was sanctioned.
Though my mother does not recall this incident, I remember being about ten years old and listening to popular music on my sister's crap clock-radio. I had the volume quite low, but my mother still heard it and came stomping down the hall to my room. She didn't knock, just threw open the door and told me to turn that garbage off, that it was evil music and Heavenly Father didn't want me to listen to it. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
I missed the entire MTV revolution. Yup, the whole thing. My parents didn't have cable, and though I was familiar with music videos from late night programs such as Friday Night Videos, I never saw any part of MTV until 1992. Sadly, now it's little more than a dumping ground for unwatchable reality shows and videos for music no one cares about. I truly believe that MTV's downfall was The Real World. It all went to hell from that point.
But I digress. What I really want to talk about is my love of music.
I rather think I would die without music. It keeps me level, gets me through the work day. I can't seem to find words to explain why music is so important to me. You know that feeling you get when you hear a song you absolutely love? Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. In recent years, my taste in music has taken a turn down the dark lane, which is partly due to my husband, who has some great (and rather obscure) music that I was not aware of prior to meeting him. Though we don't necessarily like the same things - in fact, when we married, we didn't have a single duplicate CD between us - being exposed to his taste in music changed mine. Up until that point I still listened to pop for the most part. *shudder* But listening to Dave's darker things, I started getting in touch with my inner goth girl (who prefers to be addressed as Audra, High Empress of the Universe). Still, I didn't really fully immerse myself until one fateful day.
I couldn't tell you the exact date; all that I remember is that it was October 2005, and Dave and I were in our local mall, walking past a Hot Topic store. (For those of you who don't know what Hot Topic is, watch the South Park episode "The Ungroundable".) I had been seeing the heartagram in various stores for a while, and decided to find out with what it was associated. So we went into Hot Topic.
The CD demo machine had an album with the heartagram, so I figured I'd give it a listen. The cover art looked great (seen at the top of this blog), but I have low expectations of a lot of American music, and I assumed the art would be the only thing I liked. What I didn't know at the time was that the band, HIM, is Finnish, and this was their recently released fifth album, but the first to debut in the United States.
The first song, Vampire Heart, began, and I thought, "Hey, this is good music. But the vocals will probably suck." And then I heard HIS voice. Ville Valo, the lead singer and songwriter of the band. Oh. MY. GOD! I don't know what exactly it was about him that first grabbed me, but the moment I heard his deep voice, I was hooked. And the words reeled me in. I listened to the next track, and the next, and the next, and I liked them all! I wanted the CD, but in those days, Hot Topic's CDs were priced higher than other media stores, so we made our way out of the mall and went down to what was then Media Play and is now f.y.e. (We just call it fye, but is stands for "for your entertainment".)
The album I'd just heard, Dark Light, was available there at a significantly lower price than Hot Topic. And yet, that wasn't the first album I bought. For some reason, I was drawn to Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights, and so I purchased that one instead.
Over the next few months I completed my collection of HIM albums, and found myself listening to them more and more. In 2007, a sixth album was announced, and I hurried right down to f.y.e. to preorder it. I was extremely excited I was going to have some new HIM! As I was gleefully filling out the preorder form, Dave remarked to the employee helping us that HIM was my favorite band. I had never had a favorite band, so I started to protest, but then I realized it was true! They'd sneaked in and burrowed into right into my heart. That's when I gave up all pretense and really threw myself into the fandom. (I even have a heartagram tattoo.)
I could go on and on, but my point is this - HIM was my gateway band. They opened a door inside me through which many other goth and metal bands could flow. That "if you like that, you might like this" function on Amazon.com spiraled out into a whole new level of musical taste for me. I hadn't really liked metal before, but I realized it was American metal I didn't like (for the most part; there are some exceptions). European metal is the way to go!
Every Friday is HIM day on my iPod. Fridays at work aren't the best, and listening to my HIM playlist keeps me from killing people. :) Misery loves company, maybe? I think the bands on the darker side of things are what really keep me sane. It's as if those people understand that shit happens, and it's okay to be angry or depressed about it. People might argue that this kind of music breeds violence and death, but I vehemently disagree. We always have a choice. Always. It's not the music - it's the person. Just because that person listened to this music, it does not follow that this music caused that person to commit a crime. And yet music is often blamed for atrocities for which it is not responsible!
Whew, I'm getting off topic again. Sorry.
I love music. I love the joy it brings me. I love the dark stuff and the light stuff and everything in between (except country music - I just can't get into that). HIM expanded my horizons, though they'll never know it, but if I ever manage to get closer than fifteen feet to Ville Valo, I'll let him know he changed my life for the better. Though his songs are dark and often sad, they remind me that I'm not alone - we all have demons, and we all deal with them in different ways. He sings, I listen. That's my chosen way.
Now if only they'd get that seventh album out...
Here are the lyrics of the song that brought me into the new world - the very first time I heard HIM. (Not to be confused with the first song I heard in its entirety, which is Salt in Our Wounds.)
Vampire Heart (music and lyrics by Ville Valo)
You can't escape the wrath of my heart
Beating to your funeral song (You're so alone)
All faith is lust for hell regained
And love dust in the hands of shame (Just be brave)
Let me bleed you this song of my heart deformed
And lead you along this path in the dark
Where I belong until I feel your warmth
Hold me like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me like you loved the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart
I'll be the thorns in every rose
You've been sent by hope (You'll grow cold)
I am the nightmare waking you up
From the dream of a dream of love (Just like before)
Let me weep you this poem as Heaven's gates close
And paint you my soul, scarred and alone
Waiting for your kiss to take me back home
Hold me like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me like you loved the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart
Music facinates me. It is the most abstract of art forms, yet it is also the one we connect with on an almost entirely emotional level. Hmm. (my ex-boyfriend was a big HIM fan, but I don't hold that against them. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe only other thing I would say is that if there is a more complicated and difficult relationship than the one that exists between Mothers and Daughters, then I sure don't know what it is. :s
Oh, well said. Music is fascinating! I never cease to be amazed at the infinite possibilities of it.
ReplyDeleteI agree - I don't know of anything more complicated and difficult than the mother-daughter relationship. Thankfully my mother and I have mostly - mostly - come to terms with each other.
Thanks for not holding HIM responsible for your ex-boyfriend's behavior. But remember I am a live-and-let-live person, so if you don't like HIM, I'm fine with that. Thank you for commenting!
Music is the defining art form in my life, alongside radio, and the two go hand in hand. I've been lucky enough to be a DJ and broadcaster and play a heck of a lot of music of many different genres. I think my favourite was always classic rock, but I am a real metal-head and emo/goth boy at heart. Gimme a little Iron maiden, some Judas Priest, a bit of Black Sabbath, then throw in some Aerosmith, Def leppard and Alice Cooper, spice with a dash of nu-metal nonsense from Linkin Park, Spineshank and Korn, then add for taste a sprinkling of HIM, MCR and a dash of Billy Talent and Breaking Benjamin, and you have a wondrous musical pie!
ReplyDeleteI have never understood the banning of genres of music. Again, it is more proof that organised religion is about the oppression of others by those with power. If 'God' didn;t want music, he wouldn't allow us to create it! What these religious hypocrites fail to realise is that the so called 'clean' acceptable music such as classical, jazz and swing were often the agit-prop music forms of their day. Rarely is 'new' music perceived as acceptable, it takes time to grow.
My favourite piece of nonsense concerning music recently was with the release of MCR's fantastic "Black Parade" album a year or two back. The Daily mail (or hate-mongering filthy rag as it should be called) ran several poorly researched articles about how MCR were akin to a teenage emo suicide cult, that parents should ban their kids from hearing the album, that the story of the album would lead to suicide and self-harm and that MCR should not be allowed to tour the UK. When you listen to the album it tells the story of a teenager dying of cancer and how they deal with the resulting emotions and traumas. In places it is one of the most uplifting and positive albums I've ever heard. As an experiment I played it to my 60yr old mother and asked what she thought, she replied it was good, a bit loud for her, but she liked the story and had a tear in her eye when the inevitable ending comes.
Music brings us together, seperates us, engages the brain, revives memories, fosters love, helps with heartbreak, creates money, fosters creativity...but most of all it is pure, unadulterated magic...be it pop, emo, metal, jazz, classical, 80's, AOR, RnB, blues, etc...
Sorry your youth years were blighted this way, but at least as an adult you can now fully explore all that music has to offer. HIM was a great way in...now come join us in the deep end with the many millions of fantastic songs there are to swim in!
n xx
Ooooh, I was really hoping you of all would post, considering your background. Thank you for your insights! Sadly, I've heard many stories similar to those articles about MCR; in fact, another of my favorite musicians, Voltaire, was even a guest on a news program where they were talking about "goth" kids having murdered someone and what influence the music they listened to had on them.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you haven't heard Voltaire, give him a listen! He's delightfully strange and wonderful.
Thank you for expanding on a point I only barely touched on; I always appreciate your views!
Jebus Zombie Christ, I hate the Daily Mail. What a complete shower of bastards.
ReplyDeleteRegarding bands and the dubious ties between them and the misguided sociopaths who act out violently.
ReplyDeleteI was born just outside Denver, Colorado. So, when the Columbine shootings occurred, it struck me rather hard. Precious few commentators in the network news brought up anything other than the musical tastes of the shooters. That they listened to Marilyn Manson, Rammstein, or KMFDM had little to do with their heinous deeds. If anyone with any sense knows anything about his artists, then he would know that violence is the very last thing they would promote.
KMFDM in particular is very much anti-gun, anti-war, pro peace, etc. You do not have to sound like a hippie or look like a hippie to be for peace. My lovely wife brought up Voltaire. Not only is he a musician, but he is an animator, cartoonist, and writer. in his book, "What is Goth?" he equates the Goth scene to the hippie scene, only instead of flowers and peace symbols it's bats and skulls. The whole wearing black thing goes back even further to the beatnik craze of the '50s and early '60s. The beatniks were basically early hippies.
My point is don't equate the artist with those that like their music. People can be quite stupid. I think that goes without saying. The ignorant don't understand the finer, subtler points of music. They don't understand satire or metaphor. If it sounds angry, they become angry. If it sounds sad, they become sad. Indeed, the stimulus/response reflex is fairly primal in their cases. We, however, are more evolved.
For those that think metal, goth, emo, industrial, and punk are evil should take a closer listen to their own style of music. Think of the line Christian soldiers. What does that bring to mind. Take most so-called wholesome country-western music. Does anyone in the news media equate it with racism, sexism, and homophobia? Look at the people who listen to that style of music. It is a double standard.
On the last note, i must confess to my liking of quite an unusual band. They go (or went as I am unsure whether they got together yet again) by the name Circle of Dust. Before you ask, yes. They are a Christian band. Moreover, they are a Christian Industrial band. That's right, Christiandustrial.
Although I do not share their perspective, I still appreciate their music. Isn't that what it's all about? Look beyond the triple kick drum, beyond the distorted guitar, beyond the eyeliner and smeared lipstick and see the artist's talent and the artist's intent.
Ah, my darling Dave, you shame me with your writing talent. Thank you for adding your words - you said them far better than I ever could.
ReplyDeleteI would like to share my own experience of having come into contact with music for the soul.
ReplyDeleteJust after my parents' divorce, we moved to Utah. Before then, I listened mainly to my mothers '50s music and too soundtracks from Star Wars and 2001. However, one fateful day before the television (as I was quite the latchkey kid) I spotted a commercial. A sleek, shiny, pixie with short blonde hair sang seductively over a beat and guitar riff reminiscent of Jamaica. It was Blondie. At the tender age of eight (approximately) I stared in wonder at her alien like visage on the screen. It warmed a part of me that had never been touched. No, this was not sexual desire, this was something deeper.
With the advent of the MTV generation, my exposure to 'New Wave' (new romantic, punk, post punk, synth pop, and goth) grew more and more broad. My first cassette tape was "Fascination" by the Human League, the first ever synth band and my first foray into the Sheffield music scene.
In the car our mother allowed us to listen to the station of our choice. We alternated daily. My sister vacillated between pop, rock, hair metal, and finally country-western (ugh!) I kept true to our one and only alternative station. It was on KJQ (later X96) that I heard the Violent Femmes, Agent Orange, Oingo Boingo, Kate Bush, The Cure, PiL, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Front 242, Killing Joke, and SKINNY PUPPY!
Now I hardly ever listen to the radio. My interest in new music is almost exclusively through the purchase of compilations featuring similar artists. I tend towards the Metropolis, Cleopatra, Projekt, and Dancing Ferret labels. However, bands under the Beggars' Banquet are usually welcome as well.
Anyhow, that is how my taste in music has evolved over the years. Like Brandi, I love music perhaps a little too much. It is like mother's milk to me. I think my soul would shrivel up and dissolve into dust were it not for the occasional goth or industrial track on my iPod (which has grossed over 11,000 tracks).