When I was wee, I was not blessed with immediately apparent physical beauty. My front teeth came in quite skewed, sticking so far out that I couldn't close my upper lip over them. Needless to say, those teeth kicked off the several following years of daily torture from my classmates. Kids are mean, and they mean what they say. But this is not about the retaliation I dreamed of in my younger days.
Nope, this is to thank those bullies. Without those little fuckers, I may never have found the real me, the strong me. The me who doesn't take shit from anyone. (Except from my current boss, because I can't find another suitable job right now, and I AM NOT going to lose my house.)
Did I enjoy being bullied? Of course not. Nobody wakes up in the morning and smiles at the thought of all the dickheads waiting to attack once they get to school. But the teasing and harassment taught me some invaluable lessons that I will now share with you.
1. People who are mean to you are pathetic individuals who often have their own inadequacies and lash out at others to cover it up. This does not excuse their behavior by any means, but I now find myself pitying such people. And avoiding them whenever possible.
2. Life isn’t fair. Good things are going to happen to bad people, and vice-versa. It sucks, but it’s not worthy of controlling your outlook on life.
3. Different is good. I have always, always been different. What I didn't understand at first was that different is MEMORABLE. Of course, back then, I couldn't exactly choose for what I was remembered, but I can choose now, and that's what matters.
4. The most effective way to get rid of a bully is to laugh it off. I remember a boy in middle school who enjoyed harassing me on a daily basis. Once during lunch, he sat down next to me and started the teasing. I looked at him and said, "What do you want?" To which he replied, "I want a kiss." Of course he didn't really want a kiss, he wanted to throw me off balance and embarrass me. "Okay," I laughed, "go ahead." That was the last time he teased me.
5. I don't need to prove a damn thing to anyone but myself. My opinion of myself influences everything I do, say, wear, et cetera, and I can choose how I feel about me. So I'm quirky and nerdy and a drama queen. Like it or lump it, it matters not to me. I like who I am, but I doubt I would have arrived at that level of self-discovery without the bullies causing me to examine who I really am.
6. Mean comments still hurt, no matter how strong I am, but I can choose how to feel about them. It’s really not that difficult anymore to cast it off. Yes, I still dwell a bit in the beginning, but ultimately I choose to let it go, because why should a shithead’s comments have any kind of control over me?
There are always going to be mean people out there. But being bullied as a child certainly helped me prepare for those assholes, and they find it very hard to get the desired reaction out of me with their cutting comments. So thanks, childhood fuckheads, for teaching me how to deal with your ilk - now run along and get your noggin out of your ass. (Or arse, as my British friends would say.)
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Great comments there, Brandi! I have to agree with the following 2 points on a personal level:
ReplyDelete'5. I don't need to prove a damn thing to anyone but myself. My opinion of myself influences everything I do, say, wear, et cetera, and I can choose how I feel about me. So I'm quirky and nerdy and a drama queen.'
This just sounds like me all over - apart from the nerdy bit. I'm not so much nerdy, but I have things I am passionate about that I suppose can come across as a bit nerdy to people who couldn't give a damn. Quirky explains away all my foibles and drama queen - well, that's just self explanatory!
'6. Mean comments still hurt, no matter how strong I am, but I can choose how to feel about them. It’s really not that difficult anymore to cast it off. Yes, I still dwell a bit in the beginning, but ultimately I choose to let it go, because why should a shithead’s comments have any kind of control over me?'
Combining this and part of number 5 'Like it or lump it, it matters not to me. I like who I am, but I doubt I would have arrived at that level of self-discovery without the bullies causing me to examine who I really am.' is exactly how I feel today. I have always been overweight - ironically when it bothered me the most was when I was only just 'big' - now I'm probably better described as 'obese.' But without those stupid people commenting on it, I don't know how tolerant I would be of other people who are also seen as different. If I was skinny, would I still be able to look past the physical and make friends with people no matter their size, colour etc? So I'm glad I've had the experience, as it has made me aware of others around me and their needs more. But yes, it still hurts when total strangers shout 'fatty' at me in the street and sarcastically wolf whistle at me, as I couldn't dream of doing that to another human being. But now I know it is just because they have far worse issues than me and they should just be pitied like you said. Or put down with wise cracks which really confuses them. ;o)
Right ON, girl! I've actually been on both ends of the weight spectrum. In my childhood and teenage years, I was so thin that parents of my friends always tried to feed me because they thought I was anorexic. Nope, just had a really high metabolism. That metabolism changed drastically around age 21, and since then I have been heavy. I don't consider myself fat, but being 30-40 pounds "overweight", I am nearly obese by American standards. Of course, American standards are complete bollocks.
ReplyDeleteGranted I've never seen you full on, but I doubt I would think of you as obese. I have seen true obesity - America is full of it - and I don't think you qualify. :) Of course, as with all my friends and loved ones, I offer my services of death, destruction, and dismemberment for anyone you think needs punishment. I would not necessarily punish for my own gratification, but I certainly would on behalf of a friend.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. You are beautiful!
Good post Brandi! :)
ReplyDeleteI went through some very similar shit at school, with the added bonus of being in what we called the "Boff Job" class; in other words, the top stream of kids who had passed their eleven plus. Even in a class of nerds I stood out as particularly nerdastic with my glasses, regulation length skirt and star trek novel tucked perpetually under my arm, so I didn't just get teased for my appearance, I got bullied into doing other people's homework for them. Joy! Of course it doesn't help to explain to these people that even if I do your maths homework now, it's not gonna help because you're simply too thick to do it by yourself in class. Fuckwits.
Through sheer bloodymindedness I stuck it out, had a few of the shittiest years of my life, and eventually was pushed too far on a school sports day when one resident bully slag demanded I do the High Jump in her place. I told her, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off. And lo, they never bothered me again.
Am I still pissed off about it? Well, it would be untrue to say that I don't still wish untold misery on the fuckheads, but it is a long way in the past now. Do I wish I'd stood up to them a bit bloody sooner? Definitely.
But in the end I came to the same conclusion as you Brandi; that without the crappy rites of passage that was senior school, I wouldn't be me. And I don't take shit from anyone these days. :D
Oh, Jen, how you remind me of a few things I'd forgotten to put in this blog, like how my grandmother had an unnatural amount of influence over my life (and my sisters' lives) to the point where we were forced to wear dresses to school every day and not allowed to play on the monkey bars during recess. I also had glasses starting in the 5th grade, which my grandmother made me put on a chain so I wouldn't lose them. (As if I would lose them; I couldn't see a bloody thing without them!) So at the age of ten, I looked like a granny. The kids were so weirded out that although I was smart, they didn't quite have the guts to bully me into doing their homework. They just shouted at me from a distance. :)
ReplyDeleteHow I could have forgotten those things, I don't know. Maybe I just blocked them out for a bit. There was also the rule that popular music was evil and not allowed, but that's going to be covered in another blog.
Good for you for telling that slag to fuck off! I wish I could have seen that. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
There was a really nasty bully at my school, who was clearly masking his own deficiencies by picking on those smaller, weaker or less willing to engage in verbal and physical sparing. After several years of his abuse I fronted up to him and made it clear that I was both able to take him on physically and had a sharper and more educated wit. He backed off, but kept on bullying many others. It was the only real negative I had during my final few years at school.
ReplyDeleteA few years later I heard that he had died while working on his parent's farm, apparently he was pulled into the workings of a farm machine. While I felt terribly sorry for his family, I am little sad to say that I wasn't sorry to hear he was gone. It's the only time I ever felt so negatively about someone, and I am not proud of it. I don't think I took pleasure in his death or how he died, but I certainly felt happier that he was no longer able to bully others.
To me, this is one of the real sadnesses of bullying. The impact it has on you for the rest of your life, the way it affects your own thought patterns and emotional responses. So many school bullies grow up and claim to feel terrible about their behaviour and seem to want a modicum of forgiveness and sympathy for their adult turmoil. And while everyone deserves a second chance, I can never feel that the bully should get any form of forgiveness until they truly understand the damage they have done to those they bullied.
Interestingly, everyone I know who was bullied by this boy have grown up in to uniquely original individual, they've pushed away from the herd mentality and found their own way through life. Looking back in to history we see that very often the most creative and original individuals are those who were bullied in youth, or had some other traumtic experience that meant they were somehow separated from the group.
So maybe we had to go through the bullying pain to become the people we are today? I know that I used the pain of his bullying to lead a life outside of school, working and volunteering at a local radio station and built up a complete second life full of non-school friends. This led me into the career I always wanted and to experiences many of my former school friends are extremely jealous of.
So maybe I should thank the bully. Maybe we all should. Maybe bullying is a key part of human evolution, forcing the species to challenge the norm, break away from the mundane and rebel against the herd mentality.
N xx